Once in a while, something has such an impact, such a dangerously shaking realization in your life, that the only reaction is to fall down and stay there for a while.
In the first part of the fall, you're absolutely horrified and have no idea what's going to happen next. You'll feel sickly and gross, and you'll cry a lot. You might start avoiding people.
But you can't run from it.
The second part of the fall is when you close yourself off and stop caring. Things that once seemed so important have dwindled down to insignificance. You might look peaceful, but inside there's a war going on in your heart and your mind.
The third part of the fall is a breakdown, plain and simple. You'll want to be nonexistent. To forget the world. Forget everything. You'll feel like you're alone, and you'll occasionally be a bit of a pain to everyone. You'll cry a lot. You'll be stressed to a breaking point. Your nerves will wear thin.
And, if you're like me, you'll simply pass out because you just can't handle it.
I haven't stopped falling yet, so I can't help you with that part. I can't say whether we bounce once we hit, or if we just hit and stay there spread-eagled on the ground. Or maybe the fall never really ends at all.
Besides. Everyone’s different.
Maybe someone else's fall only lasted a short period of time. Maybe someone hasn't even gotten past the first part yet. I guess it all depends.
"To love is to fly."
Yes, but what do you do when you've been falling for so long that you've forgotten how to? Or that you even had wings to begin with? Some people can just stop the fall and spread their wings and glide away to safety. Others flap and rise again.
Then there are those with complications. They have wings. They know how to fly. But they've been caged and tied due to certain problems of the heart.
There's hope for them.
They can escape.
But only if they find the strength to accept themselves and spread their wings. Then, the door will swing open and they can take off once again.
But, there are those like myself, who find themselves caged and unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Those who are afraid of the pain and the grief that they have to go through to be released. Who don't want to upset or lose the people they love to be free. To us, it just isn't worth it.
But then we end up hurting them by not giving them an explanation for our suffering.
People like us are on the fence. We want people to know, but we are horrified by the reactions that people might have. To some people, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it - it's normal.
But we feel a sense of guilt that we've let everyone down; that we've done something wrong.
That we've failed in some huge, horrible way.
That if we were to tell somebody, we may be shunned and looked at as though we're disgusting filth.
That our caregivers won't understand, and we might lose their love and gain their loathing. That we may be rejected by the very people who gave us life.
So many things.
And then... What will happen if the person you love finds someone else, and you've obviously not allowed to be together?
You simply burn away from the inside.
When they felt the same way at some point, but you were too late and now they've moved on?
When you want to give them the world, but you can't?
There's really nothing you can do about it but bide your time and hope it goes away.
And if it doesn't?
Well, my friend, we'll be going down together.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Love is a grave mental disease. I'm glad there's no cure.
There are certain things in life that you don’t choose to go through. Puberty, school, the occasional slaps on the arse when it’s your birthday. Though, there are many things you can choose.
For me, choosing to go to Guiding Mosaic 2010 was a choice I will never regret.
Choosing to fly to GM is another story.
Upon arrival at camp, I was sick from the plane, dehydrated, tired and not in a very good mood. It was like, a bagillion degrees out, and I had to drag my luggage all the way down to the Rangers camp site, at the very end of the road – a daunting task for someone who was sleep deprived the night before. While walking down the road, I was confronted by a large school bus going one way, and a golf cart coming the opposite. Now, that would have been fine, but the drivers started talking, and there was just no way to get around them with my huge-donkey bedroll and my massive suitcase.
So, I just stood there in the blistering heat, wanting so badly to just lay down in the shade or jump in the lake, but obviously there was no teleportation pod around, so I just stayed put. The lady in the golf cart had probably guessed I’d had enough because she came and drove me up to the camp.
It was about then that the days started to blend together in a mass of grime, fun and sun. Too much sun though.
I barely even remember what happened since I was too busy having fun, worriedly counting down the days until I would have to leave.
The 16th was something, I tell you.
I went on a tour of Casa Loma, which was fantastic, but then came the terrifying part... Those of you who know me, know that I’m deathly afraid of heights, so this will come as a shock to some of you. That or you just won’t care. ANYWAY.
GUESS WHAT.
I WENT TO THE TOP OF THE CN TOWER.
Pshaaa. That’s right. Mr. CN, you don’t scare me anymore... big bully.
Then, the night of the 16th came all too soon. They say all good things must come to an end, but couldn’t this be an exception? We were all so close. Great friends, but almost more. We became a family.
We’d seen each other clean and happy, and then the opposite on days when we couldn’t sneak in a shower. We saw each other at a basic level. No makeup, fancy clothes or whatever. We saw each other for who we were.
After the ending ceremony (at which Kate wins the title for the most tears – silly child) we all trooped back to the Communications trailer so we could all say goodbye together as a team. While I must admit I was extremely distressed about having to bid farewell to everyone, I sorta kicked my sadness in the butt and told it to stay put at the back of my brain, where all silly things like that should stay. I felt as though I need to comfort, not be comforted at that point. We all careened up to the site after listening to one amazing miss Georgia – gurl can saaaaaaang – and regrettably said goodbye to our beloved Brit, Hazel. She said “Harry Potter” one last time for us before gallivanting off to her group, a stuffed Energizer Bunny in hand.
It was about then that it was starting to sink in – I may never see these wonderful people ever again. But once more, like the emotion stubborn gnome I am, I held back those tears and ignored the stupid separation pangs that were already starting to grow. By that point I began trudging instead of walking through the campsite, my throat starting to swell a little, and when everyone was gathered around our lawn, that’s when it hit me.
I was going now.
No turning back.
All the best friends I had made in Guelph Ontario were soon to be miles away, in BC, Saskatchewan, Alberta, etc... And with no job, how the hell would I ever convince my parents to let me visit? I went over a bagillion different scenarios in my head, but they all turned out to be “no”’s. I sorta shed a tear or two while making up my rather awful bedroll, and then – regrettably – it was time for me to take the trip down the long road to the camp entrance.
It felt so fitting.
On day one, I was miserable and alone while making the trek at midday in the blistering heat.
Now, at midnight, I was plotting along almost gleefully with some of the best people to ever enter my life.
And they’re all so unique in their own way.
When we got to the large tent we were going to sleep in, I looked back at them all as I threw my junk in a pile (you know, I never realized I owned so much crap).
At that moment, I realized that I had come to love these girls more than just friends – I felt like I was saying goodbye to my sisters.
I kept them there for as long as I could, finally starting to really cry, and grappling myself to a few of them. Hugs and cheek smooches (ewwwy XD) were exchanged before they literally shoved me into the tent. Then they booked it. I don’t blame them. If they had stayed a second longer, I would have been permanently rooted to the spot.
I came back to stand at the doorway like a puppy waiting for its master, though whether or not they looked back to see me there, I don’t know. I just watched them vanish into the black, cloudy night. Sorta like Santa Claus would on Christmas Eve or something.
I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so empty. I just kinda unrolled my bed and died on it.
Musta sobbed for a solid hour at least.
Hours later, our plane banked through the gray Saint John clouds, and I realized how much I was really going to miss them.
First of all, I had slept and dozed nearly the entire flight. I’m horrified of flying. I thought up some strange things, but every time, I knew I had been dreaming about being with all my new friends.
Second, I had let go of my body contact issues (everyone knows gnomes hate physical contact, eh) even if only for a short while, and just for them in particular.
Third, I cried.
Now. You have to understand that I do cry quite a bit – but not like this and very, very rarely in where it’s visible.
I think it’s safe to say that I left a piece of me back in Ontario, and I’m hoping someone brought it home with them.
Because next time we see each other, I’ll be needing it back. <3
~I promise you all we’ll see each other again, even if I don’t know where or when. I love you all with every ounce of my gnome-ness, and I wish you all the best.
We may have been sisters for a century, but let’s all be friends forever, okay? I don’t want just another hundred years, but if that’s all I’ve got with you girls, then I’ll take it.
You’re all so hugely buckets, you could pass as vats.
Hope you got that awful joke!
Talk to you in person someday soon...
Keep on rockin'
~The Mad Khatter
For me, choosing to go to Guiding Mosaic 2010 was a choice I will never regret.
Choosing to fly to GM is another story.
Upon arrival at camp, I was sick from the plane, dehydrated, tired and not in a very good mood. It was like, a bagillion degrees out, and I had to drag my luggage all the way down to the Rangers camp site, at the very end of the road – a daunting task for someone who was sleep deprived the night before. While walking down the road, I was confronted by a large school bus going one way, and a golf cart coming the opposite. Now, that would have been fine, but the drivers started talking, and there was just no way to get around them with my huge-donkey bedroll and my massive suitcase.
So, I just stood there in the blistering heat, wanting so badly to just lay down in the shade or jump in the lake, but obviously there was no teleportation pod around, so I just stayed put. The lady in the golf cart had probably guessed I’d had enough because she came and drove me up to the camp.
It was about then that the days started to blend together in a mass of grime, fun and sun. Too much sun though.
I barely even remember what happened since I was too busy having fun, worriedly counting down the days until I would have to leave.
The 16th was something, I tell you.
I went on a tour of Casa Loma, which was fantastic, but then came the terrifying part... Those of you who know me, know that I’m deathly afraid of heights, so this will come as a shock to some of you. That or you just won’t care. ANYWAY.
GUESS WHAT.
I WENT TO THE TOP OF THE CN TOWER.
Pshaaa. That’s right. Mr. CN, you don’t scare me anymore... big bully.
Then, the night of the 16th came all too soon. They say all good things must come to an end, but couldn’t this be an exception? We were all so close. Great friends, but almost more. We became a family.
We’d seen each other clean and happy, and then the opposite on days when we couldn’t sneak in a shower. We saw each other at a basic level. No makeup, fancy clothes or whatever. We saw each other for who we were.
After the ending ceremony (at which Kate wins the title for the most tears – silly child) we all trooped back to the Communications trailer so we could all say goodbye together as a team. While I must admit I was extremely distressed about having to bid farewell to everyone, I sorta kicked my sadness in the butt and told it to stay put at the back of my brain, where all silly things like that should stay. I felt as though I need to comfort, not be comforted at that point. We all careened up to the site after listening to one amazing miss Georgia – gurl can saaaaaaang – and regrettably said goodbye to our beloved Brit, Hazel. She said “Harry Potter” one last time for us before gallivanting off to her group, a stuffed Energizer Bunny in hand.
It was about then that it was starting to sink in – I may never see these wonderful people ever again. But once more, like the emotion stubborn gnome I am, I held back those tears and ignored the stupid separation pangs that were already starting to grow. By that point I began trudging instead of walking through the campsite, my throat starting to swell a little, and when everyone was gathered around our lawn, that’s when it hit me.
I was going now.
No turning back.
All the best friends I had made in Guelph Ontario were soon to be miles away, in BC, Saskatchewan, Alberta, etc... And with no job, how the hell would I ever convince my parents to let me visit? I went over a bagillion different scenarios in my head, but they all turned out to be “no”’s. I sorta shed a tear or two while making up my rather awful bedroll, and then – regrettably – it was time for me to take the trip down the long road to the camp entrance.
It felt so fitting.
On day one, I was miserable and alone while making the trek at midday in the blistering heat.
Now, at midnight, I was plotting along almost gleefully with some of the best people to ever enter my life.
And they’re all so unique in their own way.
When we got to the large tent we were going to sleep in, I looked back at them all as I threw my junk in a pile (you know, I never realized I owned so much crap).
At that moment, I realized that I had come to love these girls more than just friends – I felt like I was saying goodbye to my sisters.
I kept them there for as long as I could, finally starting to really cry, and grappling myself to a few of them. Hugs and cheek smooches (ewwwy XD) were exchanged before they literally shoved me into the tent. Then they booked it. I don’t blame them. If they had stayed a second longer, I would have been permanently rooted to the spot.
I came back to stand at the doorway like a puppy waiting for its master, though whether or not they looked back to see me there, I don’t know. I just watched them vanish into the black, cloudy night. Sorta like Santa Claus would on Christmas Eve or something.
I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so empty. I just kinda unrolled my bed and died on it.
Musta sobbed for a solid hour at least.
Hours later, our plane banked through the gray Saint John clouds, and I realized how much I was really going to miss them.
First of all, I had slept and dozed nearly the entire flight. I’m horrified of flying. I thought up some strange things, but every time, I knew I had been dreaming about being with all my new friends.
Second, I had let go of my body contact issues (everyone knows gnomes hate physical contact, eh) even if only for a short while, and just for them in particular.
Third, I cried.
Now. You have to understand that I do cry quite a bit – but not like this and very, very rarely in where it’s visible.
I think it’s safe to say that I left a piece of me back in Ontario, and I’m hoping someone brought it home with them.
Because next time we see each other, I’ll be needing it back. <3
~I promise you all we’ll see each other again, even if I don’t know where or when. I love you all with every ounce of my gnome-ness, and I wish you all the best.
We may have been sisters for a century, but let’s all be friends forever, okay? I don’t want just another hundred years, but if that’s all I’ve got with you girls, then I’ll take it.
You’re all so hugely buckets, you could pass as vats.
Hope you got that awful joke!
Talk to you in person someday soon...
Keep on rockin'
~The Mad Khatter
Monday, July 12, 2010
Lightning, Logs and Laughs
So, it thundered here the first night, so it was fine, because no one was awake to see/hear it... Unless you woke up or something crazy like that. Phhht.
Well, yesterday, it thundered again, but this time, we were stuck in the Communications Trailer for the duration of the storm.
Yeah. That was fun.
We couldn't use any of the computers because of the lightning, and we went around unplugging all the computer chords and moving the tables around to make room for some girls who got caught out in the storm. We just sorta sat around doin' didly, and talked about stuff that evades my mind. Silly bucket head Kate fell asleep on the floor of the trailer. I swear that girl could sleep through a monster truck rally or something. Like a log. Like a dead log. (I swear she slept in that tent for the whole day)
Well, our team leader Katie has this problem with the flies that zoom around our trailer, and she went out and bought a fly-swatter and was careening around the room like she's a fly-nazi or something. Silly child.
Right now we're here sitting around and making fun of the way our Newfie talks. They have some saying "Wadda ya at b'y" which basically means "WAZAAAAP" in Newfie. Then there's Kate, who is from Saskatchewan who calls hoddies "Bunny Hugs".
Phhht, totally buckets.
Keep on rockin'.
~The Mad Khatter
Well, yesterday, it thundered again, but this time, we were stuck in the Communications Trailer for the duration of the storm.
Yeah. That was fun.
We couldn't use any of the computers because of the lightning, and we went around unplugging all the computer chords and moving the tables around to make room for some girls who got caught out in the storm. We just sorta sat around doin' didly, and talked about stuff that evades my mind. Silly bucket head Kate fell asleep on the floor of the trailer. I swear that girl could sleep through a monster truck rally or something. Like a log. Like a dead log. (I swear she slept in that tent for the whole day)
Well, our team leader Katie has this problem with the flies that zoom around our trailer, and she went out and bought a fly-swatter and was careening around the room like she's a fly-nazi or something. Silly child.
Right now we're here sitting around and making fun of the way our Newfie talks. They have some saying "Wadda ya at b'y" which basically means "WAZAAAAP" in Newfie. Then there's Kate, who is from Saskatchewan who calls hoddies "Bunny Hugs".
Phhht, totally buckets.
Keep on rockin'.
~The Mad Khatter
Porta Potties, Blisters And The Most Fun You'll Ever Have
You know, when you think of a Girl Guide camp, you think of safe, fun acticities that don't require too much strenuous work. Crafts, docile chats around campfires and making smores.
Um, sorry, no.
If you really think that all that is what Guiding is about, you're missing soooo much.
In the past five days at Guiding Mosaic 2010 in Guelph, Ontario, girls have gone on African Lion Safaries, gone ziplinning at piss-yourself heights, visited Niagara Falls, and so much more! I mean, I haven't gone anywhere yet, but I'm certain I'll have a blast going wherever they send me!
Pretty sure when I got here, I just wanted to go home.
It was a bagillion degrees out, and I was by myself arriving, having to drag my luggage what seemed like miles up the road before I got to my camp (thankfully a nice lady picked me up in a golf cart and drove me up). I got to the tent at the front of the Ranger site and was ridiculously relieved to find one of my friends and proceeded to follow her for the rest of the day, seeing as I had no idea where I was going. I was starving, so when dinner rolled around, I ate like a freaking starving platypus.
The rest of the evening went by relatively uneventfully because scheduals weren't out yet, and I only met other people from the photography team, so I felt a little homesick by the time it was time to go to bed.
I have no idea what was wrong with me.
I've made some really good friends with the most insane, hilarious, fun people I've ever met, and I can't believe I ever wanted to go home. I'm sure there'll be some waterworks either when we say goodbye or after! )':
Dude. We have a girl from England doing our blogs, and she is hilarious. She thinks it's funny that we get her to say "Harry Potter" and other things like tht, but I think it's even funnier to watch every Canadian in the room freak out when she does it. Hopefully we're not annoying our new Britty. ;D
Well, there are just too many things to think of that I could write here, so when I've got things sorted out a little more, I'll post em up.
Keep on rockin'.
~The Mad Khatter
Um, sorry, no.
If you really think that all that is what Guiding is about, you're missing soooo much.
In the past five days at Guiding Mosaic 2010 in Guelph, Ontario, girls have gone on African Lion Safaries, gone ziplinning at piss-yourself heights, visited Niagara Falls, and so much more! I mean, I haven't gone anywhere yet, but I'm certain I'll have a blast going wherever they send me!
Pretty sure when I got here, I just wanted to go home.
It was a bagillion degrees out, and I was by myself arriving, having to drag my luggage what seemed like miles up the road before I got to my camp (thankfully a nice lady picked me up in a golf cart and drove me up). I got to the tent at the front of the Ranger site and was ridiculously relieved to find one of my friends and proceeded to follow her for the rest of the day, seeing as I had no idea where I was going. I was starving, so when dinner rolled around, I ate like a freaking starving platypus.
The rest of the evening went by relatively uneventfully because scheduals weren't out yet, and I only met other people from the photography team, so I felt a little homesick by the time it was time to go to bed.
I have no idea what was wrong with me.
I've made some really good friends with the most insane, hilarious, fun people I've ever met, and I can't believe I ever wanted to go home. I'm sure there'll be some waterworks either when we say goodbye or after! )':
Dude. We have a girl from England doing our blogs, and she is hilarious. She thinks it's funny that we get her to say "Harry Potter" and other things like tht, but I think it's even funnier to watch every Canadian in the room freak out when she does it. Hopefully we're not annoying our new Britty. ;D
Well, there are just too many things to think of that I could write here, so when I've got things sorted out a little more, I'll post em up.
Keep on rockin'.
~The Mad Khatter
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